Hi Les,
This week wasn't so bad; though I am now bald. I look edgy and cool.
My friend Randy says I look like the BorgQueen; lean bald tanned... I
think the poison response will evolve as we go through the cycles....
Having a serious illness-- well maybe to be more accurate I should say
having cancer ( which is differernt than say a non fatal serious
illness) changes everything about life as usual.
Nothing is the same. Which isnt necassarliy bad it's just that there
are things to decide about that one never realized even existed to
THINK about never mind decide on..
So my cousin Maadie was here for a week which was a huge error in
judgement on my part. But an example of a subject I didnt realize I
should think through... She is severely mentally ill, her life is a
mess and she needs more help that I do. Maadie & I used to be very close as young teenyboppers and then again in our twenties.
First cousins are frequently our first 'best friends.' She was beautiful & smart & fun.
We grew apart after Kevin & Brian were born. Nothing specific.
At the time I blamed it on her Bible thumping. "We're Catholics for Christs sake; what's with the Bible???"
(do you remember who said that?)
But I always sent cards--as I still do-- called at Christmas and birthdays and after a while she became not reachable.
The cards started to come back. There was one live phone call where she told me I needed a Christian man to guide me and make me happy.
I think I said "youre outa your mind." So it was about ten years since I'ld heard from her.
Her brother Joe and sister Colleen found me on facebook and then so did Maadie.
Email, facebook, non verbal non facetoface can hide a multitude of sins as it were.
I hesitate to use the word 'sins'; lets say one can miss ques in an email.
She wanted to come visit and help out here and I thought that might be nice too.
To be fair there were some murmurings from her siblings that maybe she was a little fragile.
Im thinking this clan is as tough as nails. These are my first cousins. I know them.
Ive known them my whole life. I love them as cellular familiar beings.
We're mostly Irish and the rest is Celtic Nordic so how weak could anyone be?
Hah!
When her mother was dying 7 years ago Maadie went back and forth to NY
to help her siblings care for Mom. While she was gone her third husband
was fucking her 15 year old daughter. She now has a 6 year old
granddaughter...
When Maadie found out she responded inappropriately ( because she's
mentally ill and brainwashed) and eighteen months later her husband and her daughter had a little
boy--Maadie helps care for them, interacts with them, has turned into
one of them... very sad. Devastating. It breaks my hard heart. I thought I was beyond this kind of pain for anyone other than my own children.
The poor girl and the even poorer babies. Not quite incest but Mary Mother of God!
How can anyone think is is 'not so bad'?
No chance at any normalcy. Many people reject the concept of 'normal' now.
(God forbid we might hurt someones feelings by making a value judgement on their behaviour.)
It's a coping mechanism for being stupid or perverted or criminal.
I should rant on that subject separately.
Maadie doesnt' see the point in doing anything now as its 'water over the damn'
and 'it happens everyday in this country' She thinks it's Stockholm Syndrome. So she's living in section 8 housing in North Gulfport Missifuckingssippi surrounded by mostly
welfare hoodies and southern white trash, literally one paycheck away from gas money. Her neighbors
make her life there scary and unsafe, she has few friends, no support
from her family whom she withheld this info from until the kids were three and four years old.
She's weak on detail/memory/ accuracy and vague at best with everything.
I don't even know if this is the accurate story. It's hard to
follow her conversation. She's hard to tallk to , weird to be with. Awkward, self conscious,
apologetic all the time, rambling, sedated ( I think she's had
ECT's--as someone who's provided the anesthetic for over 1000 of those I
speak from expeerience here) She's big--200lbs-- dresses in purple all
the time, waist length blond hair. I think she is unwell physically too- admits to hyprtention,
metformin, bouts of cellulits in her hands and feet, she drinks qd
and I'm talking 1000 am. That may be too long a sentence. It was so hard to see her and be with her for a week.
Let me interject here. Not to be poor fucking me but hello! I'm dealing with this in a chemo sick zone mind you;
not to put a egocentric selfish spin on it or anything.
I made her cry more than once. She said I have a 'razor tongue'. I was trying to be gentle...She made me cry.
What kind of a life can any of these three victims have? Four victims.
When you live in Misissippi there are 49 other states where it's not as bad.
I REALLY do not understand how any mother could have let this happen. Aren't mammals hardwired to die for their young?
She blames herself and though I dont think it's her fault her husband is a sociopath, it is her fault/responsibilty for not do something about it instantly.
Like kill the motherfucker? Or daughterfucker as it were.
I would have dragged my daughter by the ponytail back to the rest of the family in New York and
I would have said "abortion or home for unwed mothers? What will it be?" I would have given the child up for adoption,
never to know the circumstances under which she was born and then...I would have had the 16 yar old implanted with ten year birth
control hormone pellets. Of course no one asked me.
I guess we as peasants must really have the warrior gene because my response to this happening to my daughter would have been kill kill kill.
Actually she could just call one of Whitey's boys. They would do him for free.
And you get that Im insinuating I'm above this crowd right? All the ironies everywhere...
I could go on and on about how I'm having to think about random issues that aren't mine.I don't want to think about this shit now. Yet my brain is humming with conclusions and truths and
I'm gonna have to spill the beans all over the east coast. I may have no friends or family who will talk to me by the summers end.
People want to make their response to my diagnosis the isue at hand.
I get that. I see my kids / family struggling with that; my brother
John, Nancy, Kevin to some degree--he actually seems pretty OK. I get it but I can't take care of that right now. Anymore.
As nurses we tend to not be aware that most people don't think like we do in most situations: we are good fixers, good parents, good friends, good
citizens. People want our help & advice but they dont want to hear blame as a consequence of breaking the problem down. Problem solving reveals culprits. It would be less work to be less helpful but someone's gotta watch the kids right?
Someone is to blame for every fucked up situation. Remember personal responsibility? Consequence? Did the nuns really get to me
or are we awash is a society that has no conscious? I digress but it's relevant digression.
My lesson learned with Maadie is to focus on MY needs now. In spite ofhow badly I want to help her fix her mess. I can not. And that is liberating too. She needs someone to kidnap her out of Gulfport
and away from the subhumans there. She needs an envirorment where people won't hurt her and
she can breathe and live an attempt at normalcy and health.
I need to choose my company carefully, avoid people with issues that would overshadow
their ability to help me now. I really dont need much help yet. I mean whaddya gonna watch me vomit?
Supposedly I'm a cured girl getting better. We are all dying, some faster than others. I like to think I've been given the heads up to
get my ducks in a row and enjoy the next 20 years with no stress. Like a second chance.
This is how people start to think they've had an Epiphany.
I haven't had one of those but I have had a few answered novenas...and though I don't feel exactly
blessed I feel lucky to come out the other end of the tunnel here with some valuable lessons.
I need some cheerful interesting lunch company. Doesn't everyone?
It's hard to forget what's gone down here but friends like you -- and you have
always made me laugh the hardest! -- friends like you who always make me laugh-- actually make me forget for a time.. that's what I need now and for the first time
in my life I'm going to just live that and avoid the rest. That is so liberating. I keep thinking that. I've never felt unliberated but hey see change is growth.
Healthy. I know you think I have always just been soooo politically incorrect even before there
was such a term. They used to just call it big mouthed. In fact I have lived my life biting my tongue daily. A flavor of frontal lobe syndrome
encouraged by a cultural familial long standing multi-generatioanl gene trait.
As the weeks have worn on into a few months here the urgency of 'the news'
has faded and I see that people actually start to 'just live' beyond their injuries and with
thier illnesses. I see my injured veteran friends differently yet again. I love them so. My friend Winston is having his right are amputated next eek .
Even though the surgeons managed to save the arm it is useless and frozen and without any nerve innervation.
He will get a new boitech Army arm....I feel small next to Winston. I think about his situation and my cousins and I have to wonder about how fate plays out.
I think I'm going to have to carpe diem and head up north to my beloved Atlantic sandbar. Maybe the secret murmurings of the low tide will tell me a truth.
So see there are subjects and issues I never gave a thought to and now I'm grateful
to have the opportunity to think it through to a conclusion; 'yeah this is how I feel about xyz'. Actually coming to a conclusion, in spite of how painfully heartbreaking the cousin thing is;
it's somehow therapeutic in a vicarious way...I keep thinking about my stepdaughters and my nieces and
their little girls. I would explode with rage. Maybe that's why things like that don't happen to people like me. Is that obnoxious? Or is the other way around? Bad guys take advantage of the weak?
And you always thought I was so sure about qthing...HAH!!
So I've been eating like a man for 48 hours now and I am loving it!!!
Beef, chops, pork, B&M!!! beans, slaw, salads. Gallons of sweet iced green ginger honey tea. (I who drink Dunkin Donuts Coffee)I made a peach blackberry pie and ate the WHOLE thing myself and yeah im bragging
here sister!!
I do so wish I could just jump in the car and drive over to Tappan St . We
could drink red rose tea and smoke a fat one. And you could make me pee my pants--easier than ever now!
Thanks for checking on me --it makes my day to see your name in the return spot. Dont take anything I write too personally unless you need to which is your option.
If I have something to say you know there will be no innuendos, insinuations or allusions to.
I've entered the 'here it is' decade.
BTW Audrey looks like Susies CLONE in that photo you sent--beautiful
girls and I think Hannah looks like you alot but I see dad too.
Please say hi to all three for me. Tell Bob to please think of me the
next time he goes & casts his fly upon the water--I got a new rod & reel for my b-day this
year. I'm fascinated with memorizing the names of the flies...then I
impress boys/guys with my bug names *)
love younauseusly yours
xxmo
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